living jesus

i'm not going to apologize for my lack of activity in this space for the last three months.  in fact, i'm not going to say any more about it but this...in that absence...there has been no lack of real activity or thought...it is simply that what i have been learning...what has been shaping me, challenging me, encouraging me, devastating me and pressing me is so close to my heart and involves those that are so close to my heart that it hasn't even really felt right writing about them...and so i have been silent.  but the holy spirit has not been silent. in fact the spirit has been very active.

that's it.

so i walked over to this house the other day with a friend of mine and sat down on the front steps with him. he didn't want me there. he told me he didn't. he told me to leave...but i didn't. there were others there who didn't want me there either. but they didn't ask me to leave. and i found myself watching these men and women filling themselves with their drug of choice.  three drinking beer...a couple, vodka...and a couple over in the corner of the porch smoking crack...seemingly oblivious of my presence...none of them caring...all of them controlled by deep pain of their addiction.  and i found myself thinking...is this what it was like jesus?  is this what it was like when you sat with those who were seen as the worst of sinners...the outcasts? it this how you felt...what i am feeling now...a sickness in my gut that screams in sadness?  and i realized...not in the least bit. it might have been similar to that...but i don't think it was how jesus felt.  here i m sitting there on the porch...praying for my friend...praying for the others...and all i have to do is love them.  talk with them. speak truth to them. be jesus to them...except...not completely.  because as jesus sat with the sinners and the tax collectors, what must have been running through his mind was that...although some got it...some realized their deep need for him...there had to have been others who...oblivious of jesus...continued in their ways...

and all the while...jesus thought about how he would die for them...oblivious or not...he would die for them.  and so all the while, he was truly loving them.

 

and so i sat on the porch of this house and realized...this is what it is about.  it is about leaving the security of the yard where so many come through in a day and setting aside the familiarity of the environment where so much has taken place in the last several months and going where jesus went...to the houses where no one else was willing to go.  it is being willing to sit with people who are oblivious of your presence...over and over again...and being jesus to them.  instead it isn't dying for them but dying to self.  my wants for them...my desires for  meaningful conversation...my hunger for true breakthrough in at least one of those lives...all of these must die.  and i must be jesus.  and i...above and over all else...must desire jesus.  jesus must sit on those porch steps and pray for those people.  

it is what paul means when he speaks about "attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of christ" in his letter to the ephesians.  it is what john means when he insists that we ought to be like-minded with jesus in love. 

and it is what jesus meant when he called the twelve, saying..."come follow me."

because that's just it...to follow jesus means to be jesus...to a hurting, darkened, lost and dying world...and to those who have already seen the light and know him.

  

and so when i wrote back in march that i wanted to live a wild life that is moved by the holy spirit...there was truth in that...but my heart has changed over the last couple months. it isn't that i want to live some wild life that is misunderstood or seemingly wreckless...although i'm sure it will be seen that way by some...

but i want to live jesus.  dangerously and passionately.  even amongst those who are oblivious.  and i want to be his bride.  i want to be intimately married to him as he calls us to be.

so i will listen for hours if it means giving a voice to a man who has had his voice stolen from him by the world.

  

and i will study the scriptures with a drunk man who may not remember the time spent the next day...simply because jesus can breakthrough even the most intense drunken stupor.

and i will talk with the dear woman who lives next door about her tomatoes because she is just as beautiful now and matters just as much in the eyes of jesus as she did when she was young.

and i will sit on those porch steps again and again...laughing and joking around with these friends who do not know quite yet...and will...all the while...be praying that jesus will show up in those moments of laughter and camaraderie.

  

and i will fail at times.  and i will fall short at other times...and on my face at other times.

and that is okay...as long as continue to learn from my weaknesses and replacing them with his strengths.  because at the end of the day...what brings the fullness of joy is to know and experience and live out the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

and that fullness is undoubtedly beautiful in every way.

green

...reminds me of new life

the bright, warm sun on my face emerging from the dead of winter

reminds me of new life

melting snow revealing the naked grass

reminds me of new life

joy in the presence of trouble

reminds me of new life

sitting quietly in prayer - laid bare before my Jesus

reminds me of new life

men, scarred by past, lingering woundedness, learning a love for scripture

reminds me of new life

second and third and fourth chances

reminds me of new life

transformation

reminds me of new life

fierce, righteous, and seemingly reckless living

reminds me of new life

rest...sabbath

reminds me of new life

jesus

reminds me of new life

...is new life

today i am resting...resting in this new life...resting in the assurance of His transformation...resting in the fullness of his presence...resting from the good work...

...just...

...resting.

wild

i was first introduced to the concept of the wild call of the holy spirit just over a year ago when i first stepped this community. it was hard to get used to.  jen sometimes writes about the celtics symbol of a goose that represents the wild honking of the holy spirit.  it isn't what we are used to.  a dove...now that's more like it. or is it.  there is a real recklessness to geese. they aren't elegant creatures.  you certainly don't see people letting geese loose at weddings. they are loud and rogue.  and i am beginning to like that picture of the holy spirit.

 

and i have come to that place in life where i want to be the same.  i realize that at times, the holy spirit is characterized as a dove.  but i think...and reading through the scriptures...when the holy spirit makes himself known it is in more of a rogue, noisy state than in a quiet nonchalant. when the holy spirit first appeared, it caused a ruckus causing the disciples to speak out boldly, proclaiming with recklessness the gospel.  it was that same spirit that caused them to be sent out...with boldness mind you...not in the same sense when they were hiding out in the upper room...to jerusalem...judea...sameria...and to the ends of this world. and it was this same spirit that moved these disciples...these mighty men of God to set aside everything that was comfortable...everything that was socially expected and acceptable...to lay aside the approval of men and join in the wild honking of the holy spirit.

  

i guess that is kinda how i feel even more today.  you know when there are certain times in your day that act as pivotal points in your day. those times when you can either decide to move forward and continue striving toward what you know is right...what you know is obedient...and what you are called to do even if it is misunderstood and some don't agree with it. or do you revert to what is easy to understand...to the old way of doing things...just to please man...and risk following the call.

 

i don't know...i guess i'm convinced that i can't revert back to my old self.  i can't revert back to the dove.  while there are still times for the dove...i am convinced that the kingdom of God is build upon the wild and aggressive honking of the goose.  look at the apostles...they were wild and aggressive...and they were filled my the holy spirit in incredible ways.  even more...look at jesus.

after a day like today and an interaction like i had i know that it is real. i choose to be wild...i am moved to be wild...i am called to be wild...and i must obey.

will you?  

safe

i wrote a letter today.  i wrote a letter to marv's parole officer, pleading for grace.  asking that she allow herself to have her eyes open to see the transformation that has occurred in marv's life over the past several weeks. at first, when i sat down to write this letter, i felt a lot of pressure upon my shoulders.  would what i said in this letter make a difference?  i had to be sure that i was using the perfect words so that she would know exactly what was happening and she would be persuaded by my words. i don't think i felt like his fate was upon my shoulders but yet i was allowing myself to go there and entertain the thought.  and in a way...i was adopting a messiah complex right then and there in front of my computer.

 

and so i stopped and realized...it has already been decided.  marv's future is not in my hands but in the hands of one who is so much larger than this seemingly difficult situation.  and that gave me peace.  and for the first time i took my own advice that i had given to marv. the Lord has this.  and has it securely.

  

marv has realized this. he has decided that to live in obedience and in faith is much more important that residing in the safety of his fear.  i think maybe we are all faced with this at times.  we reside in the safety of our fear.  what i mean by this is that our fear keeps us from moving forward...from truly seeing God in our most desperate situations...and so we are kept from having desperate situations and thus kept from needing God.

  

Marv has decided against that now.  he has decided that even in this most desperate situation where he is faced with his past and yet living in the light of his new, secure future...faith goes before fear.  and so i say...in this life of mine...i am learning from my new brother.  he is teaching me that in his desperation to be consumed by Jesus Christ...he is able to stare fear in the face and continue being obedient. i look up to him.

 

in fact, marv and i were talking yesterday and he said he was no longer praying that God would keep him from prison (although that is what we all wish would happen...and i think he would too) but instead he is praying that he would be placed exactly where God wants him to be a light. WOAH. he said...there are fellas in there that need to know what it is that Jesus did for me...what he did for them...so it is sorta selfish of me if i refuse to share it with them.

  

i finished listening to him and then went in my room and wept. is it true that this type of transformation can be so outrageous that it brings a man who spent several years in the darkness of a cell to a place where he is able to embrace it if it is how he is meant to share the same gospel of transformation?  yes...yes it is.  it is an outrageous transformation.

 

pondering this...i wrote...knowing that Marv is safe in the arms of the Father no matter where he is.  lately marv and i have been talking a lot about Paul and about how he was faced with prison and yet knew that in his obedience...it was exactly where he was supposed to be.  and even in those times...some of the most brilliant fruit burst forth.

  

and so my letter is really nothing more than a testimony to God's grace and provision for one that he loves.  i don't think it really is me being an advocate.  Christ is marv's advocate now...and so marv is safe.  he is held...watched over... and that is much more than any of us could ever be or do for him.

be praying with us for marv...that he would continue to find himself safe in the hands of the father...covered in the shadow of his wing.  there...he will always be safe...there he will always be free...no matter where he is.